I'm tired. I'm exhausted. My head aches with words and questions and doubts and uncertainty. And I've never wanted to be out of my own brain as much as I do right now.
Part of me (okay, the vast majority), absolutely hates the way I am. The way I think. The way I feel. The way I process things. The way I criticize. Everything.
More often than I would like to admit, I find myself asking God, "Why did you have to make me like this? I don't want to ask these questions. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to reject this, and for ONCE I'd just like to be able to focus on something without having to go through pain and turmoil to keep myself on track for five minutes."
I just want so desperately to be different. To be something that's not who I am. To be someone who doesn't feel like she has to keep her mouth shut all the time. To be someone who doesn't have to "dig deep". To just take things as they are. Appreciate them for the surface.
I don't want to see the parallels anymore. I don't want to look at something and wonder about the symbolism or the history or the culture surrounding whatever I'm researching. I don't want it.
This week has been so long. It feels like so many people have wanted so much from me, and I just want to do things for me for once. I know it's selfish and that I should be more giving but I'm gived out. I'm tired of schoolwork and feeling like I'm letting everybody down. I'm tired of this uncertainty. I feel like someone has pulled the rug out from under me and I'm just waiting to crash. I'm just tired.
This can't be what God meant for us to live. I found a verse this week that said: "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."
We're moving too fast. Way too fast.
I'm ready to rest in God. I'm done with this running around and no time thing.
Cheers for a free weekend.
Sorry this hasn't been some spiritual expose or deep analogy/thought thing. I don't have one in me right now. I'll get back to you on that. There's one in me. Maybe on Elijah and Elisha. Maybe.
I think it was wonderful Emily, it was exactly how you were feeling, it was real, it was raw, it was honest! I love that about you! You have so much inside that you need to let out and I think what you actually feel is surface, is very deep and complex, so to go deeper for you is a real chore, it's emotionally, spiritually and physically draining, which is why we do need to just rest in Him sometimes and get to know Him, His touch, his breath, His heartbeat, His caress, His gentleness, His comfort, we do not always have to dig deep, just keep falling DEEPER in love with Him, that's the deep I want, that is the deep I crave and that is the deep that will fill us and comfort us in times of chaos in our fleshly minds. It's all going to be okay Emily, but you must let it out, as you have and then rest, rest in Him and rest your body, mind, soul and spirit..You must force yourself too sometimes, picture yourself in His arms, your Daddy God and Him holding you, loving you and comforting you as you lay down to be at peace for a while! I love you Emily, so much! More than you know! We are on a roll finding an avenue for you to release your creativity into the ministry, I have faith in you, Mike has faith and you and most of all, God has faith in you. He loved your page of organized clutter..it was funny cause I looked at it and then opened my notebook to my writings and the similarities in it were astounding! LOL! I remember days of feeling the way you do and turning those emotions into negative behavior to release it all, i am so proud of who you have become and even more excited to see the woman you are becoming. I struggle every day to keep those thoughts and feelings in check, it's a constant battle, but it becomes easier with time and you learn to handle the roller coaster of emotions differently, you learn to stop trying to control them yourself, because YOU can't, you have to give them to God and let Him smooth them out. He does a really good job! Imagine that! Lol! ILY!
ReplyDeleteHey emmy-lee!(: i've been reading your blog more and more each day, and I love it. Weather you beileve me or not I don't care, but Emily, you are a truly inspiring person. I know what you mean about how tiring life and school and everything can be. I have been so tired lately myself. What you said reminds me so much of how I feel sometimes. I feel like I need to just slow down, and try to take things in more carefully. Usually I am way too curious, I jump to conclusions, and I don't consider that what I think is right may be wrong. Well, I guess that's all.
ReplyDeleteI feel very much like you in so many way. I read this and thought, "I have thought these exact thoughts on a different day and time" One thing I can say to you is don't look at being an analyzer as a negative, but rather as a gift. While we both know it seems to cost use more in the long run it also gives use the insight to not take things at face value and be tricked by the frills and exterior presentation meant to deceive the world. It also lets us experience things on a deeper level, for when you dig inside a thing and not just graze the surface you find the truth behind the vale.
ReplyDeleteYou need some you time, Emily. That is my deep, insightful comment to this post.
ReplyDeleteAlso, where is my blog about being a conduit, eh??
ReplyDeleteI concur with all of the above from your friends Emily, keedy is right on and thenelsens is right about you needing rest..
ReplyDeleteAww ily, you are different. Don't wish to change that or be someone your not. That's what I love about you. Sometimes I think to myself, "why can't I think like ily does." You do need some time off though. I'll go on a media fast with you. Everything except our house phones so we can pray together. It will be so spiritually renewing and I can give you some books and material to read during that time that will encourage you. What do you say? We can even take a week off of all our activities except school and sword since you obviously have to go to school and sword is spiritually renewing anyway. But don't ever strive to be someone your not. Your who God created you to be and He wants to use you in a unique way for His glory. Just wait and see. I LOVE YOU ILY!!!
ReplyDelete