Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I am thoroughly frustrated right now.

For a lot of reasons, only one of which I will blog about now.

In case you haven't noticed, this blog has been a little, uh, quiet lately. And by "quiet" I mean I think I only had three posts last year. (My computer crashed and I checked, and it's more like 6, but still. I also had two drafts that started with "I am frustrated." They never got published. We will see about this one.)

I thought by now I would be better. I wrote in my last blog about how much I struggled to go to church and that is still so hard for me. The experience is completely exhausting (even though my church is awesome and I love them.).

But ultimately, I realized that if someone were to ask me what my faith was like right now (and I was being honest), I would have to laugh and go "What faith?" Because that's where I am right now. 

It's not that I doubt the existence of God (though I have). It's just that I'm stuck in some sort of theological paradox. And I don't feel like I see (read: perceive through any of my senses) God anywhere.

Trying to pray fills me with an overwhelming amount of guilt that ultimately just makes my throat feel like it's closing up and I can't do it without just breaking down entirely. And not in the good cathartic kind of way. In the "I spend the rest of the day feeling anxious and miserable for a reason that doesn't even make sense." I've never really understood prayer, anyway. It always seemed ridiculous to me. But nothing like THIS ever happened upon trying to pray.

Most of this stuff wouldn't bother me except that it doesn't feel like I'm making any improvement at all. I hope that this state is transitory and that I won't feel like this forever, but I don't know what to do to make it better. And things just don't spontaneously get better on their own, you have to do something.

I just don't know what.

I'm at a loss.

If you have any suggestions, real, concrete suggestions, I am all ears. Because I don't know what to do anymore.