Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Scroogey Christmas.

Today is December 22nd, and I've yet to find my Christmas spirit.

It's just not there.

The houses are all decorated. My tree is up. There are presents under it, but my heart just isn't there.

I've bought gifts and I've gotten gifts.

There have been countless sermons about Christ and His coming. But I'm just not there.

I don't know where my Christmas spirit is this year.

But, to be honest, the fact that it's gone doesn't surprise me at all, because when I think about it, the last six months have been some of the hardest to push through in my life.

In these last six months, there have been days where the fact that I got out of bed felt like an accomplishment to be celebrated. Simply being around people was a chore. I've laid in bed for hours on end, not able to sleep, and when I have slept, my dreams have been tainted by nightmares.

There have been more questions than I could ever voice or imagine. 

And I've cried. A lot. Sometimes in random places for no apparent reason.

So it makes sense that my Christmas spirit has been eaten up with it.

There are things here, though, that I've been so wonderfully thankful to have with me. Things that I can see that God has provided for me to make sure that I could make it through (even when I didn't know how to get to Him) and these have been the most unconventional instruments of grace.

 The first one being a movie. My movie. The new Alice in Wonderland movie. I've watched it over and over and over, and it never fails to capture my soul. The movie centers around Alice learning to be who she is, and not cave to the pressure of others, especially when it comes to the important things. She learns this from the most amazingly mad character, Tarrant Hightopp, more commonly known as the Mad Hatter. The Hatter is, well, mad. But he shows Alice something important. He shows her what it means to be true to herself. He shows her what it means to fight, to chase after a vision, and to even sacrifice herself for a cause. He shows her Alice's own heartstrength. That Hatter teaches Alice who Alice is.

How can you not love that?

The second has just been through a few people who just didn't leave. Two people that I've been totally, completely, terrifyingly honest with, and who have stuck with me anyway. These are the people who've held me when I've cried and have listened to me rant and rave and yell. These are the people who've yelled at me when I've needed it. I don't even know how to thank them. (Yes, Keedy, and yes, Shauna, I mean you. <3) They mean more to me than life itself. Thank you both for holding my hand.

The last? Well. The last have been the moments where God spoke to me. They've been few and far between, but they've pushed me through.

I don't have answers right now. I don't have reasons for feeling the way I do. I don't have anything to show for all my questioning. But.. I'm learning. I'm learning that it's okay to be vulnerable. I'm learning that it's okay for things not to make sense. I'm learning that God is bigger. I'm learning (the hard way) to take things one step at a time, one breath at a time, one moment, minute, hour, day at a time. I'm learning that I can make it through, simply because there's no other option.

<3 Merry Christmas.