I kind of really don't want to go home. I live in this suspended reality here, kind of. In this suspended reality, there is this far off "Estados Unidos" that people go to and come from that doesn't really affect me. And sometime later I'm supposed to be going there too. In this suspended reality, I'm vaguely aware that my life might be changing and I'm vaguely aware that people that I knew won't be there when I get home and that there will be new people and that my whole life is completely different. But only vaguely. None of it's really real, it's just out there in Estados Unidos.
So I don't want to go home. Because once I get home.. everything is different. Everything. I'm different. The entire course of my life is different. And I'm not totally sure I'm okay with that. I know I don't have a choice in it, so I have to become okay with it. But for right now.. it's a far off distant world. Billy reminded me of that today after church. He told me that I'm going to have to totally rely on Christ during all of this. He told me that things aren't going to feel "okay" for months. He told me not to worry if I feel out of place. He told me that I'm going to feel tons of emotions during this whole thing and that it's okay to feel those.
But most importantly, he told me that I wasn't alone. That he'd been there. That it'd be okay in the end.
Thank you Billy! You and America are awesome! :)
But I still don't want to go home.
Today I got to see four beautiful children confess their faith and get baptized. It was wonderful. Today I was reminded of Christ's sacrifice for me. One of the songs we sang today had the line "The Darling of Heaven, crucified." And I thought about it, and just, wow. The Darling of Heaven. The most beautiful thing that Heaven has to offer... crucified. Shamed. Hurt.
We're not worthy of that. We don't DESERVE that. We don't deserve anything. I don't deserve the ability to breathe each breath I take. We deserve nothing, but He gave us the Darling of Heaven. The most beautiful. The most glorious thing ever. Because He loved us.
Wow.
I have no other words to say. I have no clever metaphors, I tried to come up with SOMETHING to relate that too.. and I just couldn't. There is nothing to compare it too. There's just nothing.
I couldn't figure out where to comment on your list, but you should add "fly in a helicopter" to your list. Unless I missed it...I didn't see it on there.
ReplyDeleteI know that you may have changed a lot. But, once you get here, you will see that not all that much has changed here. There are still holes in the driveway and your truck is waiting at the top. Justin is still playing video games with Cedric and assorted other friends. Becka is still running in and out between work and friends. Daddy is still on the road, staying in yet another hotel. There are changes on the horizon, but they will come slowly. Unless by some miracle somebody buys our house in 30 days, we still have months to go. Months of slowly learning about our new home, slowly weeding out and packing up stuff, slowly exploring colleges and talking about possibilities,... And the great part is that Dad and I want nothing more than to help you find the best school for you and help you get started on your journey. The good news is that one of the nice changes is that Daddy may be apart from us, but will be getting paid very handsomely for his efforts and that will make things much nicer for us. Can't wait for you to get home and for us to have some fun together checking out colleges! Love you!!
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