Living with The Virus

This week I feel like my computer.

My computer has been infected (though I feel like "infected" is too soft of a term for it. Pillaged feels like a much better term) with this hideous virus that keeps me from being able to do much of anything.


The virus managed to masquerade itself looking exactly like my virus program, at first. So when I was half asleep, and what looked like my virus program showed up and said I had a virus and needed to do a scan, I said "okay.." and went with it.

What ensued has been a miserable rollercoaster of not having my computer.

This is what the virus does. The virus makes itself look like its a virus protection program. So when my computer starts up, it tells me it's opening in "Safe Mode" because the virus that it says I have is going to take over the OS (operating system, for those of you who don't know anything about computers..).

Every time I try an open an application, it shuts it down, saying that it's too much of a risk.

So, as I'm sitting in my bed last night, trying to make my poor computer work, when it dawns on me, that this is about how my mind has been working.

I've always said that my mind has "locks" on it. Things that I just can't bring myself to do, for no other reason that someone, somewhere, said that I shouldn't do it. So I don't. There are outfits that I love that I won't wear because someone, somewhere, said I shouldn't. So I don't. They're stuck in my closet because I won't get rid of them, but I won't wear them either. There are songs that I don't sing and movies that I don't watch and places I don't go and people I don't talk to and paths that I don't cross and questions that I don't ask for the exact same reason.

It makes me wonder how long my mind has been infected with this virus. How long have I not done all of these things that I would really love to do, because of this virus.

Part of me doesn't even want to post this blog because something in my head says I shouldn't.

I'm tired of living my life with the virus.

I'm tired of having everything in my head dictated by someone else's voice.

I'm going to listen to the music I want to listen to. Read the books I want to read. Watch the movies I want to see. Say the things I want to say. And live the life I want to live.

Why?

Because this is my life, and I can do whatever I want.

Now.

I'm going to go play pool for a little while, with really loud music playing on the stereo.